Have Your Forgotten Your Marriage? 4 Ways to Remember the Love

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (3)

 

The Hubs and I have been discussing the movie, “The Vow” since we watched it last month. I cannot remember a movie we dissected more deeply, including my favorite movie question, “What would we do if it was us?” As it turns out, we unanimously decided we would just have to find a way to fall back in love with each other. And here the hubby goes to town on how exactly he would make that happen.

Special Guest Post by The Hubs

Maggie and I saw the movie “The Vow” a few weeks ago.  It was very thought provoking and led to a lot of reflection and discussion.  I thought I would share in the fun with you.

<This is Maggie saying Hello! And I loved this post so much I had thoughts to share about *almost* everything, so you will see me, in Italics, all over this post. My Bestie also made a special request that she would love to read a He Said/She Said style post, so here it is!>

For those that didn’t see it, in the movie, Leo and Paige are a happily married young couple, that is, until a car accident results in her losing the last few years of her memory, including her memories of meeting and marrying Leo.  Now Leo has to convince his wife to resume their life together, when to her, he is a total stranger.

<For those that DID see it – how sweet was Channing Tatum’s Leo in his unwavering love for his wife? And if you were married to Leo, wouldn’t you at least TRY to remember?!?!?>

Now maybe it is the engineer in me that always wants a plan in place for any eventuality, but it really got me thinking of what I would do in a similar situation.

<Oh how I LOVE IT when the hubby gets creative about how he would make me fall in love with him all over again!! THAT is just a FABULOUS way to spend your time. Anytime you have the temptation to ponder how you can make your honey’s life better, sweeter, happier or peacefuller – DO IT!>

This (highly unlikely) thought experiment breaks down into the following two problems that must be solved:

1.       Showing proof that your courtship, love, and marriage were real

2.      Recreating your courtship, love, and marriage (<-this is the subject of a whole other post…stay tuned for that one!)

<The Hubs is cute when he gets all Engineery isn’t he? Step by step is my favorite kind of instruction.>

Here’s how to begin:

1.      Showing proof that your courtship, love, and marriage were real

The first step would be to convince your spouse that you loved each other, to tell them and show them how you met, courted, and eventually married.  Given that you would be a total stranger to him or her, you would have to be able to present enough evidence to convince them that this is not a con, that you really loved each other and that you were really their spouse.  Tricky, tricky, I can assure you that Maggie would not be easily convinced.

<Insert Maggie laughing out loud, right here. I could be convinced! Especially if Channing Tatum, I mean, The Love of My Life was doing the convincing. Just because I am high maintenance and require a man with values like honesty, integrity and goofiness, doesn’t mean I can’t be convinced. Carry on.>

How to convince Maggie that I was really her husband?  Here’s my recipe:

I.          FRIENDS – I’d rely on Maggie’s inner circle, including her best friend to vouch for me at first, and tell her how much we love each other.  Since I would be a complete stranger, she would need to have people she remembers and can trust to make the initial re-introduction.

<Well yes, I have known my best friend since second grade so chances are I would remember her no matter what kind of amnesia I had. Now my question is, in the present, what would your best friend say about your husband? Why do you love him? The hubby is having this whole experiment in his mind and I am taking it off the pages of the blog and into your house. For all these questions, what would today’s answer be?>

II.          PHYSICAL EVIDENCE – Then, when this initial vouching is complete, I could start presenting the physical evidence of our history and relationship.  This is when all our courtship e-mails and pictures would pay off, combined with our wedding album, family event and trip pictures, videos, etc.  She would be able to read her own words of what our early relationship was like, which would be more convincing than anything I could say.

<Oh dear, I love me some physical evidence. The cute Hans Solo-Princess Leia card from our last anniversary, check. The wedding album with all our pictures, check, the scrapbooks I made on mix book of our cruise vacation triple check. So my question is, what physical evidence do you keep around the house that you are in love? Is there a picture on the mantle? Is there a copy of a scrapbook on a table? Those little reminders can bring happy memories into the present as feelings of joy.>

III.          HOME – When she’s ready, I would be showing her how we made our home to reflect who we are and what we value, how it’s a place of peace, beauty, reflection and love.  I would show her the dressing room we built for her, our library (full of spiritual books), our cozy home office, the painting from her old job, things that would show that I knew and valued who she was and how we’ve created our home together.

<I think he would have me at the library. It’s divided into his and hers sections. Mine is filled with romance novels, decorating and self-help books. His has sci-fi, fantasy, and his own dose of self-help on the side. I think I would feel like Beauty from Beauty and the Best – Marry that man and get that library! Are there things in your home that reflect both of your passions and interests? Why or why not?>

IV.          STORIES – Finally there would be the sharing of stories about her and about us, to show her that I know her pretty well and that we had created a loving relationship.

<So, all he would have to do for stories is show me this very blog and not say a peep. I would just read for myself everything I ever thought about what I believe, how I feel about marriage and love and our vacations and how he would help me get through a bad day. But since everyone in this world is not a blogger, I would ask you, what’s your favorite marriage story to tell? Have you told it lately? Do you know what your hubby’s favorite story is? Can you ask him?>

There you have it dears, the 5 tools the hubs would use to show me our love is real. Remember you don’t need a Hollywood Movie or a tragic accident to make you forget. You can get amnesia all on your own, just by getting busy with day to day life and not making time to create new memories together or to celebrate the moments you have already created.

This weeks’ LOVE WORK (because homework sounds so high school): Leave a comment with 2 specific things you can do this week to ensure your marriage is amnesia proof.

 

 

Filed Under: Healthy Relationships Marriage Advice

Embracing Imperfect Love

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (5)

When I sat down to write this post today I got stuck. Completely and utterly stuck in the mud, the car won’t start, it’s raining and I am getting oh so frustrated – stuck.

I wanted to write something lofty about breakdowns and breakthroughs. If I was totally honest with you, Dear Reader, I wanted to be brilliant. I wanted to write something inspiring and wonderful. And I wanted it so badly that I couldn’t write a word.

Has that ever happened to you?

I suspect there was some kind of battle between my ego and my soul and as long as my ego wanted to be brilliant and my soul wanted to be authentic and real we stayed in a stalemate.

Usually I sit down to write and have so much to say I can’t type fast enough.

Not today.

I will still write about breakdowns and breakthroughs, because I think there are so many angles to explore about what we get stuck in about our relationships – with our honeys and with ourselves.

But the post born out of my stuck-in-the-mud-moment is completely different than what I had in mind.

First – I took the advice I always give, and “changed the channel.” I got up, took a shower, turned on my iPod and cranked it all the way up.

You will know I am 39 years old and grew up listening to Pop Music when I tell you Celine Dion was singing. Loud and Proud, dears. Loud and Proud.

The song that came on was “That’s the Way It Is.” These are the lyrics:

I can read your mind and I know your story

I see what you’re going through

It’s an uphill climb, and I’m feeling sorry

But I know it will come to you

Don’t surrender ‘cause you can win

In this thing called love

When you want it the most there’s no easy way out

When you’re ready to go and your hearts left in doubt

Don’t give up on your faith

Love comes to those who believe it

And that’s the way it is

Moments like those, make me believe in angels. Celine was telling me *exactly* what I needed to hear at the very moment I needed to hear it.

Don’t surrender. You can win. Love comes to those who believe it.

Seriously. *Exactly* what I needed to hear.

I knew I would write a post today. Because I wasn’t going to surrender. Not when Ms. Dion was giving me a direct order at the top of her ever so beautiful lungs.

So I worked on a few other things first and came back to a blank page.

Suddenly the floodgates opened, and I *knew* what I wanted to share. First – the truth of the writing process – sometimes it’s jagged and rough and off-road and the truth is that even when you have a map you often end up in places you had never imagined you would go.

Second, I’ve written before about the myth of perfection, and I will surely write about it again and again. For as long as models are photo shopped and Bachelors give roses, I will want to point out that real life isn’t perfect and whenever we expect it to be we are setting ourselves up for pain and disappointment.

Today I remembered my very first Valentine’s Day with the Hubs. We went to a Jazz concert outside, it was a perfectly moonlit night and we had a picnic.

Back then the hubby was so nervous he was shaking. He wanted everything to be PERFECT. Although I part of me thinks it is eternally sweet that he was aspiring to “the perfect Valentine’s day,” the Life Coach in me says vehemently that “perfection is an illusion and the pursuit of it has cost generations of us countless tears and feelings of unworthiness.” We cry for real because of a lie we believe it’s true.

But believing it’s true does not make it so.

We had a great time that night. We also had a great time tonight when we watched “Once Upon a Time” and washed dishes. Real life is not all French bread and picnics. And I feel the need to remind you of that today and remind myself that on a regular basis.

If we expect imperfect love from ourselves and from others, we can open ourselves up to the beauty of the small moments. Holding hands while watching TV, dancing to Michael Buble at Best Buy, or giving each other a hug when one of us is frustrated, it’s those tiny moments that are evidence, not of perfection but of large, lovely, unconditional love.

The kind of love that doesn’t surrender because it’s having a bad day. The kind of love that says, “you can win in this thing called love.”

That’s what I want. For myself and for you.

I decided the most brilliant thing I could share today is to say that I believe in that kind of love. I believe in it and I will fight for it.

I will fight bad thoughts, negative assumptions, society’s expectations and all the false images we are fed about perfection.

And when I get stuck I will remember, “Love comes to those who believe it,” as Celine sings, “and that’s the way it is.”

 

How do you “change the channel” or change focus when you are stuck? What’s your favorite song to listen to when you need inspiration quickly? Please share in the comments.  

 

Filed Under: Healthy Relationships Marriage Advice Mindset

What a Divorce Lawyer Knows About a Happy Marriage: 5 Ways to Prevent Divorce

Posted on April 25, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (8)

 

We don’t have Guest Posters very often, but when we do they are Superstars!

In case you missed our honored guests, we recently had one of the leading marriage bloggers in the world, Alisa Bowman, on these electronic pages, telling us What Happily Married People Know. Wasn’t that awesome?

And we have had My-Favorite-Person-In-The-World, The Hubs, with what Video Games taught him about life and love…so juicy!

Today I am so thrilled my laptop is tingling!

I am honored and excited to introduce the Modern Married family to the wise and wonderful Kimberly Graham. Not only is she a lawyer, mediator and founder of HighRoadDivorce.com, she is a dearly beloved friend.

Kimberly has guided countless divorces through many peaceful and not-so-peaceful endings, so I had a feeling she could teach us all what bad divorces have taught her about happy marriages. It is my hope that we can all learn something to use *today*, to apply *now* so that our relationships flourish and our love grows.

With love and delight ModernMarried proudly presents:

 What a Divorce Lawyer Knows About a Happy Marriage: 5 Ways to Prevent Divorce

By Kimberly Graham

I’ve been a divorce mediator and lawyer for 13 years.  I’m also a divorce guide at HighRoadDivorce.com.   I’ve been divorced.  My parents were divorced.  So I’ve been around the divorce block about 8,567 times.  Based on all my clients’ stories, my own experiences, friends’ experiences and a lot of reading, I’ve collected my Top 5 Ways to Prevent Your Divorce. 

1.             Look in the Mirror.

This is still difficult for me to always accept and understand.  I’m a work in progress, aren’t we all?

It really isn’t about him or her.  It’s about you.   Whatever the issue or disagreement, it comes back to what you can control and that’s you.  You can never directly change your partner’s actions and reactions to you, to the kids, to work, to life.  But you can change yours — and by doing that — you can indirectly change the dynamics in your marriage.

2.               Do Not Blame and Criticize. 

How do I know that relentless blame and criticism marks the beginning of the end of your marriage?  Because that’s what I hear over and over from clients.  They can tell me everything their partner has done wrong, but almost nothing they’ve done that contributed to the marriage’s demise.

I have plenty of personal experience with this, unfortunately.   I was highly critical of my son’s father.  I could only see in retrospect how destructive it was.  At the time, I was sad, frustrated and angry.  Could he have done some things differently to help alleviate my frustration?  Sure.  But the problem was the more I criticized, he understandably wanted to do less to make me happy.  And so it went on, for years.  Until things fell apart for good.

Oh yes, I hear you from here, right through the page… “but HE doesn’t help around the house”  or  “but SHE is spending all our money.”

Trust me, if you start with blame and criticism, the result will be defensiveness and disconnection.

Problems in the marriage must be addressed from love, not blame.

3.             Be Happy. 

More variations on the theme of “it’s about you.”  Look, Beautiful, if you aren’t happy, you can’t create a happy marriage.  Period.  Allow me to quote myself (from my 13 years as an international flight attendant),  “put your oxygen mask on first, then assist others.”  Take care of yourself, get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, meditate, smile.

4.             Have Sex Often Enough.

Ask him how often is often enough.  If it’s too little or too much for you, find a compromise.  It’s so easy to say “it’s his fault” or “it’s her fault” we never have sex. (see #2)

People, there is no way around this one.  I often hear about the lack of sex in clients’ and friends’  marriages.  There’s not enough space here to get into all the dynamics of the lack of sex issue.  But I implore, encourage, and advise you to be physically intimate with your partner.  Early and often, just like voting. 

And listen up!  This is not only directed at women.  Sure, the stereotype is the husband wants sex and gets turned down by his wife, but I know this goes both ways. Wives get turned down or ignored, too.

See a therapist, work with a coach, read books, find out the reasons, drop the resentments and to quote the smart Nike slogan “just do it”.

Physical connection is critical to emotional intimacy, particularly for men, but for a heck of a lot of women, too.  And when there’s no physical intimacy, it isn’t too long before the emotional intimacy goes, too.  It’s only a matter of time in many marriages (not all, but many) before I hear about someone going outside the marriage to find both.

And when you have sex often enough, you create a reserve of  forgiveness and compassion for one another.

Let’s look at two scenarios:

Option 1 -You just had amazing, passionate sex with your partner.  Then you notice his socks on the floor again.  How likely are you to get really worked up about it?

Option 2 - You haven’t had sex in a month, resentment is festering, you’re feeling unloved and unwanted and then you stumble over his unhampered socks again.  How likely are you to get really angry about that now?

A note for the lower sex drive spouse:   Am I saying that it’s your *fault* if your partner has sex with someone else?  No.  100% no.  What I’m saying is that by not having sex often enough, the chances that your marriage will run aground on a sand bar of disconnection, distance, resentment and infidelity are greatly increased. 

5.               Talk About Money. 

I estimate over 80% of my divorce clients point to money issues as the reason for divorce.  There are some really great books about couples and money out there.  Please read one or two and talk, talk and then talk some more about money.  Set up a weekly or monthly money date which has some fun built-in, like a nice dinner afterward.  Map out what your money goals are and how you’ll get there.  And realize that one joint checking account and one joint savings account is not the only path to financial harmony.

My mom and dad have had separate checking accounts for over 30 years now. (They each have access to both accounts, but one is understood to be mom’s and one is dad’s.)  This has worked extremely well for them.  So think outside the box to find what works for your marriage.  Bottom line:  frequent and regular communication is critical.

So, look in the mirror, avoid blaming and criticizing, create your own happiness rather than expecting your partner to provide it, have enough physical intimacy, and talk about money often.  If you do, I’ll bet you beat the divorce odds and have a juicy, connected, joy-filled, laughing, super-fabulous marriage that lasts a lifetime.  That is my dearest wish for you.  xo, Kimberly

Kimberly Graham is the President & Founder of HighRoadDivorce.Com where she provides calm, experienced support and guidance on the divorce journey. Kimberly has been the child in a divorce and is divorced. She is passionate about helping people through divorce because she has lived it. She helps her clients find a better path than the old, negative, destructive methods and thought processes of divorce. She is also the Principal Attorney at Graham Law Collaborative in Des Moines, Iowa where she practices family law.

This is Maggie back to say that was Maximum Levels of Awesome in my book! THANK YOU Kimberly for sharing your insights and wisdom!

Now it’s your turn! Which one of these have you found most useful in your own relationship? Please share in the comments.

 

Filed Under: Guest Post Healthy Relationships Marriage Advice Money & Finances

Dream Deeper, Love Bigger: A Modern Married Guide to Life (Part 2)

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (7)

This week we are deep diving straight into Part 2 of our Dream Deeper series. This series was born out of ideas that have helped me become a better wife, have a happier marriage and fall back in love with my life over the last few years.

In Part 1 I talked about dreaming deeper (instead of bigger), following what feels good and true for you, and managing doubt by adopting the principle that Oprah taught me which is “doubt means no.” The stronger the doubt, the clearer the no.

And no, I don’t know Oprah personally (yet!) but she did teach me a lot over the years and one of my rules is, “If it works for Oprah, I will try it!”

If you missed Part 1, you can find it here.

As I share the sparkling thoughts to light your way today, please remember, pick them up, play with them, if they work, use them, if they don’t move on. I have found comfort and inspiration in these ideas; you may find other ideas really get you going. All roads lead to Rome.

Here we go!

1.      Give what you can. Be who you are.

 

You cannot give what you do not have. Yet we try to do things that will please others even if we go into material or spiritual debt in order to meet someone else’s expectations (or our own misguided ones).

 

I have been the girl at the Birthday party who paid for the lavish present on a credit card because “that’s what you do.” It took a really severe financial crisis in my life for me to evaluate everything I thought and did about money.

 

I have more money now than I did back then, but my gifts are much simpler, though equally as heartfelt.

 

I have learned to give what I can. I have learned that anything else is a lie. I was lying to myself and lying to my friends and loved ones. To this day I am not sure why or whose expectation I was trying to live up to. All I can say is I feel so much more peace living in the truth of what I can afford and all my friends still love me.

 

That’s one element of “giving what you can.”

 

Another side of that prism is in my relationship with The Hubs. I can only give him what I have inside. There is nothing to give if I don’t “fill the well” of self care.

 

Over the years I have found that for me to be a fully engaged loving wife, I also need to be a fully engaged, loving person.

 

I need to read books, write in my journal, have time to putter around the house, put up curtains, make things pretty or talk with my BFF about the last episode of Celebrity Apprentice and what happened this week at work.

 

I need time for me so that the time I spend with The Hubs is rich and full of life and love. It is like nutrient-dense soil. Everything grows faster and richer because of the quality of the soil it is planted in.

 

This goes hand in hand with “be who you are” of course.

 

I have given up trying to be the picture perfect version of myself that I imagined I should become.

 

Now, I am just me. Sometimes I have bad hair days and sometimes all I want to do is snuggle at home and watch a marathon of Stargate. If that’s unhip, I don’t really care.

 

How to do it: The only way that I know of to “give what you can” is to start with an Internal Audit of sorts. You have to know what you have “in stock” emotionally, materially and spiritually before you can give any of it away.

 

For money, I would start with my bank and savings account. For life, I would start with my schedule – where am I spending my time? Is it where I *want* to be spending it? Have I overcommitted somewhere and under committed to myself?

 

We typically go deep into this exploration in my Setting Soul Goals program, but since I am not offering it just now, I would say, start with a blank sheet of paper and label the top in 3 columns: Time/Money/Me and just free write whatever comes to you in those areas. This will bring you clarity to start moving in the direction of giving only what you have and want to give.

2.      What are you waiting for?

 

Have you been waiting for something that hasn’t arrived? The big break? The magical breakthrough? The winning lottery ticket? More confidence, less body fat, another degree?

 

I used to think, “When I reach THIS GOAL, my life will be PERFECT.” Then I started reaching so many goals I set for myself and found that nothing was perfect. Some things were even messier than ever – emotionally and physically.

 

The only thing I can tell you about waiting is that unless it’s for a ride at Disney or a Taxi in New York, you are better off taking action, any action, than standing still.

 

If you take an action and it’s really not the best one, you will know. You will have more experience and information to take a better action next time.

 

If you had kept waiting during that same period of time, you would have no new information, no new experiences, only the anxiety of the wait. I don’t know about you but that seems pretty pointless to me.

 

So my answer to “What are you waiting for?” in almost any circumstance is, “Start now.”

 

Start where you are, with what you have, and taking turtle steps if necessary. I prefer tiny starts to long waits any day.

 

How to do it: If there is something you have been longing to do and you are waiting for some outside circumstance to make it okay, first question the longing.

 

Do you really want to do this thing, or is it something comfortable so you don’t have to make a choice? I have been there too. I was totally bummed when I figured that one out and suddenly had to choose something else instead.

 

Starting now does not mean going crazy. It means starting. Begin. Take a step and then one more. The tinier the better. Put it on the schedule for this week. Stop waiting. Start now.

 

Now that we dream deep instead of big, you can see that richness in just two simple ideas – Give what you can. Stop waiting – we are not thinking “big” on how to practice these, we are thinking “deep.” What does my soul want? What does my heart say?

 

Remember, inspiration without action is like a parked car, you have all the tools to move available, but they are not in use until you turn the ignition, the spark plugs spark and get going. What is one action you can take this week that will get you deeper into the life you love? Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Mindset Money & Finances Self Care

What Happily Married People Know

Posted on April 11, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (5)

 

It gives me oodles of delight and gleaming pride to present our very first Guest Post by the wise and wonderful Alisa Bowman. You may know her from her fabulous blog, Project: Happily Ever After, or from her appearances on the Today Show and CBS NEWS.

If you haven’t met electronically yet, I am thrilled to be able to introduce you to Alisa. Over the last year, as I have entered the blogosphere, she has become a trusted and beloved mentor as well as a constant inspiration in living with authenticity and writing brilliantly about life, marriage and keeping love alive.

Without further ado and with much excitement, we proudly present:

What Happily Married People Know

By Alisa Bowman

When I was unhappy in my marriage, I thought that the difference between the happily married and the unhappily married was this: happily married people had better spouses. While there might be some truth to that, I now know that the difference has a lot more to do with how happily married people think. They see the world differently.

Happily married people know:

  1. That it’s easier, faster and more efficient to directly ask for what they want  than it is to hint about it.
  2. How to express their sadness, disappointment or frustration in words. They try not to express it with random acts of sabotage such as withholding sex, not taping their spouse’s favorite TV show or something else.
  3. How to accept defeat. They know that they will sometimes get what they want and they sometimes won’t. When they don’t get what they want, they say ”Oh well, it was worth trying” and they move on.
  4. Not to ignore problems. If their sex life becomes boring or their conversations go stale, they do something about it.
  5. To  fight only with each other and not attempt to get loved ones (children, extended family, friends) to take sides.
  6. That fights are inevitable, especially when one of them is grumpy. They also know that reconciliation is inevitable, too.
  7. That  it’s easier and more gratifying to say “I’m sorry” than it is to  defend their actions.
  8. To face the world as a united front.
  9. That marriage is like a garden. It requires tending. Without watering and weeding the marital garden regularly, the fruits of happiness do not grow.
  10. They won’t always agree, and they are okay with that.
  11. To  regularly champion one another. They compliment each other regularly.
  12. That  keeping score is what unhappily married people do.
  13. Their  spouse’s opinions, desires, and dreams are important, even if they don’t necessarily share them.
  14. It’s  just as important to hear as it is to be heard.
  15. That  marriage is a journey.

A professional journalist, Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage. If you enjoyed this post, you will no doubt love her updates on Facebook and Twitter.

I love ALL of these! I would add that happily married people invest time in their relationship – whether it’s the daily check in, planning a trip, or helping each other get through a hard day, they are number one on each other’s priority list. What would you add? Please share in the comments.

 

Filed Under: Healthy Relationships Marriage Advice Mindset

Dream Deeper, Love Bigger: A Modern Married Guide to Life

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (17)

As I was thinking about what to write this week, I kept coming back to reflecting on what I have learned on my journey so far and how that has helped me be a better wife, have a happier marriage and fall back in love with my life over the last few years.

There is so much beautiful wisdom in this world, this is by no means an exhaustive list, but these ideas have been some of the inspirations that have led to the deepest shifts in my way of thinking, which in turn have influenced my actions and my results.

As I started putting this list together, I realized there was so much I wanted to include that a series was born. We will start with the first 3 this week.

So here they are, 3 Sparkling Thoughts that have lit my way. You can pick up, try on, and look in the mirror and see which one(s) look best on you and keep them!

1.      Dream deeper.

Millions of words have been written, journalled, spoken and sung about dreaming bigger. Bigger house, bigger bank account, bigger car. For years, so many of us have been hamsters on treadmills looking for a bigger, extra-large, super-sized life. Then when we actually achieve all that we have been striving for, we realize that bigger isn’t always better, it’s just more. And when you look up more in the dictionary, it is not listed next to happy or fulfilled or at peace, it’s just a larger number.

My biggest breakthrough in happiness, satisfaction and joy in life came when I started to dream deeper instead of bigger. I started to ask myself, “deep inside, what would make me happy?” Guess what? It wasn’t a new purse – though I love purses and I smile whenever I see beautiful ones.

Dream deeper means thinking about what you value, what makes your heart sing, what gives you peace. It means not looking outside to TV, magazines or anyone else’s idea of a dream life. Dreaming deeper is asking how you would like to spend your time, not your money, and then finding ways to do more and more of that every day.

How to do it: If you journal, set aside some time this week to ask what is the difference between deeper and bigger FOR YOU? If you dreamt deeper what would that look like? If you are not moved by writing, then think about this as you commute to work this week, let your mind wander and daydream. Listen for the answers.

Also know that the answers will change over time. This is a great way to connect with your spouse – ask them what they are thinking about and loving that they would like more of in their life. Together, see if you can find ways to dream deeper and then take action on those deeper desires.

2.      Follow the feel good.

This year I have embraced a new mantra: Follow the feel good. I take it with me everywhere I go, along with my wallet and fabulous sunglasses. I think I might have a crush on my sunglasses, but that is a blog post for another day.

Follow the feel good does not mean “don’t have discipline” or “stop doing things that need doing.” It doesn’t mean “recklessly indulge.” Because, honestly, it feels good to complete what needs to be completed and it feels bad to be reckless.

Follow the feel good means – check in, pay attention, listen to your intuition, your heart, and your discerning mind. What is your body – heart *and* head telling you?

Remember every single time you have ignored that feeling, the inkling that it might be the wrong direction and then things didn’t work out?

Follow the feel good is the antidote to that. If you are offered a promotion at work that comes with tons of extra money but also countless extra hours – does that feel good? Sometimes it might, sometimes it might not – it depends on the chapter in life your are living and what your deepest desires are.

If you start dreaming deeper, the very next thing to do is follow the feel good, let it lead you to your very next step.

Give yourself permission to embrace what feels good and forgive yourself for not wanting things that other people may want for you.

How to do it: Start small. This doesn’t mean quit your job, die your hair purple and go on tour with the garage band. But it can mean, leave early once a week to spend more time with your band, or your kids or your husband.

My favorite thing to do when I need to check in is take a deep breath and put a hand over my heart and ask: Is this right for me? What should I do here?

Are you going to do this 100% of the time? Probably not. When you get an answer, will you choose to follow it every time? Maybe not at first – your company might have rules about purple hair, thought it may be your dream to change it. But if you start small and you do this over time. You will find yourself feeling good more and more often and that’s the idea.

3.      Doubt means no.

The natural consequence of dreaming deeper and following the feel good is learning to manage doubt. We all have doubt no matter how successful or happy we are. New things come our way every day.

There are new choices to make, new ideas to embrace or discard, and with every choice there is either certainty (I *know* this is the man I am going to marry.) or doubt (Does this dress make my hair look green?).

Among the many wonderful lessons I have learned from Ms. Oprah Winfrey, I learned and have embraced this little, yet powerful phrase: doubt means no. Do not move, do not decide, do not act, or in some cases, don’t agree, don’t go, don’t sign, don’t offer, don’t accept.

The more I build trust between myself and my intuition – by dreaming deeper and following what feels good, the more I also build my Hesitation Index aka the stronger the doubt, the louder the no.

How to do it: Define the nature of the doubt. If it’s a voice in your head telling you that you can’t do something, question that.

If the doubt is disempowering to you, it might be a lie that you should ignore. The only way I know to tell the difference is to practice.

The more I follow what feels good to my soul, the more I can recognize when the voice of doubt is real – as in, “don’t sign that contract” and when it’s a lie, as in, “you can’t write a blog and work full time and spend time with your husband, so don’t even try.”

Sometimes the only way to bust the doubt is to take the action – so you write the blog and see that you do indeed still work and your hubby still smiles when he sees you walk in the room.

 

 

Do any of these resonate for you? Are you already doing this? Any stories to share about your results and experiences? Choose one to “try on for size” this week. Then write down how you feel – one word, one sentence or a whole story. I would love to hear your results! Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Habits and Practices Mindset Self Care

The Love List – Pinterest Edition

Posted on March 28, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (6)

Hello Lovelies! This week’s inspiration is all from Pinterest where I have been pinning up a storm. I have found inspiration, love, romance, adventure and humor and today I feel like sharing….

First, if you are not familiar with Pinterest, I must introduce you properly….

It is truly addictive. I have found though that I love having it on my phone when in line at the grocery store or doing waiting of any kind, because I can be inspired just about anywhere by a simple pin like this one:

Or this one:

One of my favorite marriage pins of all time came in the form of a post it:

This is from Relationship Coach, Lisa Marie Hayes. She calls herself “the love whisperer.” I love that!

I love the thought but not the post it, so I gave it a ModernMarried Makover –

What do you think?

I feel like the post it is the “work outfit” and the new pin is the “ready for the Oscar Party ensemble.”

And while on the topic of marriage, one of my favorite couples of all time – Lois Lane and Clark Kent:

In case you can’t read the text – Clark/Superman asks Lois “Do you need me?” and Lois Replies “Nah, I think I could probably make do with some average Joe, a glue gun and the home shopping network.”

Witty banter at its finest with kudos to The Hubs for sharing his graphic novels with the wifey, aka Me!

And now for a moment of levity and charity…the lovely Nathan Fillion, star of the TV Show Castle is celebrating his birthday this week by building water wells for kids. (Isn’t he even more lovely now?)

2,539 donations have been made so far, giving 2,872 people access to clean water.

You can check out his campaign here: http://mycharitywater.org/nathan-fillion and sing along with me, “Ceeeeeelllleeebrratttteeeee goooooddd times…come on!”

And finally this week:

 

That’s a bit of what has been in my inspiration box this week…what has been making you smile lately? Please share in the comments.

 

Filed Under: Articles Mindset

International Day of Happiness – The Happiness Challenge

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (3)

Did you know that March 20th, 2013 was the first International Day of Happiness? Neither did I.

In July 2012, the United Nations Assembly adopted a resolution that decreed that the International Day of Happiness would be observed every year on March 20th.

Since I missed the memo, I am celebrating today. In the spirit of, “it’s never a bad time for a do-over.”

Apparently after centuries of measuring society’s progress based on economic growth and industrial progress, some really important people with big titles and long names have realized that our planet’s true progress “should be about increasing human happiness and wellbeing, not just growing the economy at all costs.”

You can find that quote and all the details on how the International Day of Happiness came to be here.

One of the leaders of this campaign for happiness (sounds so official!), is an organization called “Action for Happiness.”

They have identified 10 Keys for Happier Living:

Outside: Our Daily Activities

Giving – Doing things for others

Relating – Connect with people

Exercising – Take care of your body

Appreciating – Notice the world around

Trying Out – Keep learning new things

Inside: Our Attitude to Life

Direction- Have goals to look forward to

Resilience – Find ways to bounce back

Emotion – Take a positive approach

Acceptance – Be comfortable with who you are

Meaning – Be part of something bigger

Yes it spells out “Great Dream.” No I am not making this up. Click here to see for yourself.

There are so many things I love about this, I could write a 2,000 word blog post. But I won’t.

I will focus on my favorite part – these fabulous leaders, researchers and government officials came up with a list of actions for each area, here are some highlights:

Action 6 – Look for the good in those around you

This means you, right now think one good thing about someone you love. Now. Don’t you feel better already? I know I sure do!

Action 17 – Make sure you get enough sleep

I think they were talking to me with that one!

Action 28 – Detox your negative thinking patterns

You think they consulted any life coaches for this project?

Action 32 – Write down your dreams for the future

I love making lists!

And finally for today, Action 45 – Enhance your relationship with your partner

Oooooohhhhhhh I love these Happiness Activists people!

You really can make the world a better place by saying something nice to your hubby or buying flowers for your wife. Or putting down the toilet seat, or leaving it up if that’s your preference.

You can find the whole list of actions here.  

 

So to celebrate the First International Day of Happiness, I am embracing two actions:

Action 5 – Thank the people you are grateful to

I will be thanking some people in person today, but in the meantime, I electronically THANK YOU for spending some time with me every week via this magical electronic web that connects us and for your desire to live a better life and love the marriage you are creating – I honor and acknowledge you with deepest gratitude and greatest joy.

Action 15 – Make something happen for a good cause

I am totally in love with Pencils of Promise – they build schools and help communities support those schools once they are built. I sent them a little $$ and guess what? It did make me happier! I am still feeling the “I-helped-build-a-school- today-after-glow.”

And now for the challenge – choose an action (or two!) from the above or make up your own.  Do it. Today. Now if you can. Remember – you are following a decree by the United Nations. You are contributing to world peace. It’s your sacred duty to be a little happier today.

Remember something as simple as giving someone a hug or saying good morning to yourself in the mirror – and to your colleagues when you get to work can make you happier.

 

What is your favorite key for happier living? What action can you take towards being happier today? Please share in the comments.

Have you heard? ModernMarried is now on Facebook – come join the fun here: http://www.facebook.com/ModernMarried

Filed Under: Habits and Practices Mindset Self Care

Marriage Vows and Movie Vows – Are You Living What You Promised?

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Maggie Reyes • Comments (13)

 

We watched the movie, “The Vow” this weekend. I cried multiple times and it was the subject of an ongoing conversation in my house. We found that the conversation the movie sparked was so rich it had to spill over into the Magical Blog Land that is ModernMarried.

I am moved to share a very personal sets of vows today (you can thank Channing Tatum later).

I have received permission from The Hubs to re-print our wedding vows.

But before we get to those, here are the positively lovely vows from the movie:

 

As we were discussing “The Vow” all weekend, I found that I couldn’t remember what we vowed.

I could not remember. The biggest promise I ever made in my life. The one I am living into every day I come home from work and every weekend when we do groceries.

My mind was blank.

To my life-coaching-relationship-specialist-brain this did not seem like a good thing.

Should I know them by memory? Should I print them and put them on the wall somewhere we see them every day? Or is the act of living devoted to my husband enough to bring them alive regardless of the actual words used.

I do not know the answer. I only know that I find it to be a very compelling question.

So far, we have been depositing acts of love into our emotional bank accounts every day we have been married. We have been very happily, goofily married for over 5 years. What we are doing seems to be working. But what did we promise? Are we living that?

A quick search on my computer for “wedding ceremony” brought back a flood of memories of when we were planning our wedding and writing our vows.

I believe deeply in affirmations and knew instinctively what Joel Osteen now teaches, “whatever you say after I AM will come looking for you.”

So when we wrote our vows, we very intentionally included the states of BEING, DOING and INTENDING. I am. I do. I will.

Here they are…

OUR WEDDING VOWS

Hubby, are you here today as a full expression of your best self, offering all that you are to this sacred union?  Are you willing to make the foundation of your marriage be the devotion you have for Maggie, not just at this moment, but for all the days to come?

If so, answer, I AM.

Maggie, are you here today as a full expression of your best self, offering all that you are this sacred union?  Are you willing to make the foundation of your marriage be the devotion you have for The Hubs, not just at this moment, but for all the days to come?

If so, answer, I AM

Dear Husband, do you commit your life to a God-centered marriage?   Do you vow to create a sanctuary in your heart and home where God’s love is your guiding light and your life is your prayer?

If so, answer, I DO

Maggie, do you commit to your life to a God-centered marriage? Do you vow to create a sanctuary in your heart and home where God’s love is your guiding light and your life is your prayer?

If so, answer, I DO

Dear Husband, will you have Maggie to be your wife?  Will you love her and communicate this love with your words, your actions, your thoughts and your touch?  Will you forgive her when needed; will you allow her to grow, both as your wife and as a person?

If so, answer I will.

Maggie, will you have The Hubs to be your husband?  Will you love him and communicate this love with your words, your actions, your thoughts and your touch?  Will you forgive him when needed; will you allow him to grow, both as your husband and as a person?

If so, answer I will.

 

I must say, reading them after all these years, they still bring a warm feeling to my heart. The love and intention we put into them is truly alive in our marriage today.

 

Do you remember your vows? Do you want to keep them? Do you want to write new ones? Would you like to share a vow or two? Should I print them and put them on the wall? Would love your advice on that one! Please share in the comments.

 

I am deeply honored to have been interviewed by best-selling Author Janet Conner regarding another kind of vows, Soul Vows. She is teaching a class on sacred vows you make to yourself that you could never break. Her teaching and this class was the seed of a HUGE SHIFT in my life that eventually propelled me into becoming the Life Coach and Blogger you know today. To read the interview on how it all started, click here.

Filed Under: Articles Healthy Relationships Marriage Advice

Next Page »

Next Page »